February Blog Challenge – Day Ten – Reflection


I took this photo on my Milo’s 6th birthday.

It is a reflection of the 6 candles I had burning for him. Unfortunately I couldn’t get all six in the image without distorting them. I tried many different angles but they just didn’t work. I did try and get the reflection onto the actual gravestone but I wasn’t happy with it.

The name in the background is of my nanny. My Milo was buried in with her and my grampy.

Sitting by my son’s grave made me think back over the last 6 years without him. In that time I have had his sister, left my job, helped my eldest son start at 2 new schools, made new friends and watched his sister skip off to nursery everyday with barely a backwards glance.

I always wonder what my life would have been like if my Milo had lived. I like to think he would have gone to school, made friends and had a ‘normal’ life but I know that is a whole lot of fantasy and hope. My Milo’s life would have been a constant battle. He would have needed around the clock care. We would have had to have moved house as the one we live in now is no where big enough for things like special beds, hoists, downstairs bathrooms and extra rooms for the night nurses. We definitely would not have had his sister. I would never have been able to cope with my Milo, his brother and another child. I know Aiden’s life would have changed dramatically too if Milo had come home. I can see that I wouldn’t have been able to take him to the park whenever he wanted or as he got older help with homework or just play.



February Blog Challenge – Day Nine – Out Of Focus

I planned on using this photograph in my November challenge as it was quite fitting for use in November. I love the photo so much. It wasn’t supposed to be out of focus but my phone had issues coping in the low light so a few came out like this and I think you’ll agree they make an interesting image.

The photo was taken in my parents back garden early in November last year. It was absolutely freezing and the children kept wanting to go back inside. I ended up with the small one on my shoulders and the big one went into the greenhouse to try and keep warm.

I will allow you to decide what the image is.



February Blog Challenge – Day Eight – Lyrics

This song is one that was used at my Milo’s funeral.

It always used to upset me when I listened to it (thanks Pearl Harbor) and so I thought that I might as well use it for my son’s funeral as any song used would forever take me back to the moment I said goodbye.

I didn’t really know the lyrics well (too busy sobbing to listen to anything more than the melody) but once I listened to it properly then the lyrics actually fit with losing my Milo.

The song is There you’ll be by Faith Hill.  Fantastic track.

When I think back on these times
And the dreams we left behind,
I’ll be glad ’cause I was blessed to get
To have you in my life.
When I look back on these days
I’ll look and see your face,
You were right there for me

In my dreams, I’ll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there will always be a place
For you for all my life.
I’ll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am There you’ll be,
And everywhere I am There you’ll be.

Well you showed me how it feels
To feel the sky within my reach
And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me
Your love made me make it through.
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

In my dreams I’ll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there will always be a place
For you for all my life.
I’ll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you’ll be,
And everywhere I am there you’ll be.

‘Cause I always saw in you my light, my strength
And I want to thank you now for all the ways,
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always

In my dreams I’ll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there will always be a place
For you for all my life.
I’ll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you’ll be,
And everywhere I am there you’ll be.

There you’ll be.

February Blog Challenge – Day Seven – Water

I cross this stream multiple times a day on the school runs. The stream is right in the middle of the estate I live in.

The children love it. In the winter it freezes over and they love to try and break the ice. In the summer parts of it are shallow enough to paddle in it or to fish for minnows.

My daughter love to stand on the bridge where the photo was taken and play pooh sticks. She normally tried to do it with grass but that doesn’t work quite right. When she was tiny she would use rocks and get upset when they wouldn’t come out the other side. She has now grasped the concept much better and we have to play every day after nursery without fail.

I took this photo a couple of days ago with the challenge in mind. It was after a few days of heavy rain so the stream is a little faster and higher than normal but I love it. The way the water flows over the stones is great and I think I caught the light just right. The noise of the water moving is also great but obviously that can’t be conveyed in a photo.



February Blog Challenge – Day Six – MILO

Today is my Milo’s 6th birthday. I have bought him a solar colour changing sheep for his grave. I wish I could be buying LEGO and fun stuff for him and celebrating his birthday by going to a local trampoline place with his friends like his brother and sister.

What can I say about my young man that I haven’t said a thousand times to a thousand different people?

My boy was a fighter. He fought to be born and then he fought almost everything that was thrown at him.

Even though he was in pain he would still smile at me and turn his head whenever I walked into the room. My son may have not known much but he knew who his mama was.

He didn’t grown very fast. He was born at 5lb 9oz and was just over 10lb when he passed away aged 21 weeks and a day. He was predominantly fed on my breast milk unless they needed something a little thicker for meds. While he was alive I wanted my Milo to grow big and strong and get bigger and better to be able to come home. Looking back I am glad he didn’t as if he had been bigger then he would have been put through a couple of surgeries to try and help him but they wouldn’t have fixed him. My boy couldn’t be fixed.

He loved to snuggle on my chest and he would fall asleep all comfy like. I would read my books to him and it was like we were at home just chilling and that he was a normal newborn baby. Sadly nothing about my son was normal.

If my Milo was having a bad day just hearing my voice would start to calm him down. On the days I couldn’t get to him the nurses would hold the phone close to his ear and I would wish him good night.

One of our scariest visits (initially anyway) was when he was in the PHDU and we entered his bed space to find him gone and his bed stripped. All his monitors were off and certain ones were missing. I instantly thought we had lost him and they hadn’t told us. All the staff were busy with other children so we had to wait a bit before anyone could come speak to us. One was just on their way over when the door buzzer went and one of the staff came backing into the unit. She turned around and she was pushing a pushchair with my son in it. She was going on a drug run and decided that Milo needed a wander and so had taken him with her. One of the others decided to take advantage of him being off the unit and was going to change his bedding but got so far and was needed by another a child and not finished the job. We could laugh about it later but in that moment my heart was in my mouth.

I miss my son with all of my heart, well the part I have left as some went with him when he left me and will not be returned until we are together again. He is as big a part of my life now as he was 6 years ago. I will not allow my children to forget they have a brother. There are more photos up of him than the other two combined but I feel that I see them every day and so need to see his face too.

I have scheduled this post to come out on the very minute 6 years ago that Milo was born. It is very late but it felt right to post it at that time.



February Blog Challenge – Day Five – Remembrance/Loss

Today is the day where my husbands family say goodbye to their matriarch. The mum/nan/great nan will be laid to rest after passing away last month.

This event causes me to look back on my previous losses and look at what difference they made to my life.

The most recent loss in the family makes me realise that life cannot be taken for granted. Dale’s nan was a reasonably well woman for 88. She lived independently and has had a good life since she was widowed 8 years ago. The week before she passed away she suffered a fall which sadly many of the elderly do. She did break her leg but she seemed in good spirits with it. She was placed in traction and the surgeon reassured the family she would be fine. Come the next week she suffered a pulmonary embolism and was gone within 2 days. It was so fast and unexpected.

The actual death my Milo wasn’t a huge shock for my husband and I. We were told when he was 10 weeks of age that he was incompatible with life. We had 11 weeks for the news to sink in and when we did lose him it was almost a relief as we didn’t need to watch our beautiful boy suffer any longer. We did tell our parents that it was unlikely Milo would come home but they didn’t see how bad he was and just thought that it was the worse case scenario and that he would be home at some point. His loss was a huge turning point in my life. I didn’t think I could live through pain like that and every day I woke up I had just a second or two of feeling normal and then it would hit again.

My grandfather Peter was a lovely man. He could be grumpy and he would rather have the heating cranked up and wander around in shorts than wear more clothing and turn the temp down to make it more comfortable for us all. Being 10 and seeing your gramp in short shorts was mortifying. He was the only person to call me L.A. I can still hear him say it if I think hard enough. His loss was a huge shock. He was on holiday. He was chilling in the south of France, no health issues at all. He and my grandmother had been sunbathing all day, they came home to change and have a cuppa before going out for dinner that night. He asked her to put the kettle on and in the time it too for the tea to brew he was gone. Massive heart attack. I had to go and see him in the chapel of rest because I would have spent my entire life wondering if it was actually him that was gone. That was an old experience. He looked normal but his hands weren’t right. I could have spent hours with him though. Sitting next to his dead body seemed completely normal to me and I could have spent all day with him if that was possible.

I remember my first loss was my grampy on my dad’s side. I was only just 4 at the time but I remember it and him well. I remember the phone going and a muffled conversation between my dad and whoever was on the other end of the line. I then heard my mum calling someone and saying get here now, we have to get there quick. My mum then came into my room and I pretended to be asleep. She put my dressing gown on me and then my coat and carried my downstairs. The next thing I remember is being held by my gramp Peter and looking back down the driveway at my brother who was also in a dressing gown and coat but he was wearing my dad’s slippers that were miles too big and he was walking funny. I was not allowed to go to my gramp’s funeral. My parents didn’t think it appropriate so I was farmed out to a family friend for the day. I used to throw that fact back into my parents faces when I got older. I get they did what they thought was right but I hate the fact that I was left out of such and important event. I didn’t need to go to the service just the wake would have been enough.



February Blog Challenge – Day Four – Quote.

” The Smallest Feet Leave The Biggest Footprints On Your Heart “

This is the quote I chose to have inscribed on my Milo’s gravestone. To me it means that no matter how small a person is, they are still a person and can have a huge impact on others.

A slightly different variation came on a sorry for your loss card after we said goodbye and it stayed with me. When it came to choosing an epitaph it was the only thing that was right.

While my Milo was only with us for a short time he and his life have forever changed me and mine (well some of them anyway). His existence will never leave my heart or soul. I wish he was still here with me now but it was not to be.

My eldest son was so proud with himself when he first read the inscription and I often find that he has written it in his notepads or when he is practising his writing he uses it.

This is a picture of my Milo’s head stone.