To my Milo

My smallest son,

I am so sorry that I couldn’t keep you. I wanted you to come home so much. It hurt me every time I had to walk out of the door. I’m sorry I didn’t do more when you were still inside me. I should have pushed more and got them to get you out sooner. I was there every day but I trusted them that everything was ok when I should have trusted my instincts and knew you were struggling.

I’m sorry I didn’t hold you whenever you needed me too. I couldn’t be there but you were in my thoughts all the time and I wished you were closer.

I’m sorry I couldn’t make you better. I tried and pleaded and beg with the doctors to allow me to get to take you home but it wasn’t going to happen. The day they told me I wouldn’t get to keep you in my arms was one of the worst of my life.

I wanted to do you better but I couldn’t. I wanted to be your mum but I wasn’t allowed. I needed you, like you needed me but it wasn’t to be.

I wish you were closer to me but I needed you to be where you are resting. You are with family and hopefully they are caring for you until I can.

I love you my little man,

I think of you always and always will.

Long time no see

Since my last post I have had my first Christmas with my rainbow and her first birthday. We have also had what should have been my Milo’s third birthday.

His day passed by silently, with a few tears and even fewer laughs. We decorated his grave after removing all of his ornaments for cleaning and as a mark of respect for my grandfather, who had been gone 30 years.

We spent some time as a family, even though my eldest whinged the whole time as it was cold. Granted it was bloody freezing. I had to stop myself thinking about my son being in the cold earth. He is not there. He is all around me. His mortal remains maybe buried there but is soul isn’t tied to that place. I see him as here with me or flying as a red kite.

I wish more people would have remembered him. Even his own aunt and uncle forgot him. People on line, some of whom I have never met posted and commented for his birthday. They lit a candle or had some cake but not his own flesh and blood. I can’t mention it to them though or I will be seen as the mentally unhinged mother. I didn’t want much. just a text to say they were thinking of him or a happy birthday. I get it it hard but having someone forget him is so much harder.

I wish he could be here to see his big brother and little sister grow up but I know his little sister wouldn’t be here if he has survived. His care would have been too much to even think about having another baby. I know he watches from afar but it isn’t the same.

Breast feeding.

Why are breast feeders victimised for being happy?

I am so happy that I am able to bf my rainbow after expressing for my angel. I want to be able to shout it from the rooftops but whenever I mention that I am enjoying it I get someone trying to guilt trip me because they tried and couldn’t do it.

Should I stop talking about it because I might hurt someone’s feelings? They don’t think about mine when they show me picture of their 2 yr old doing things that my Milo should be doing. If I object to that then I am the one with the problem.

However you feed your child, you should be happy that the child is thriving and not gone like mine.

Me

This is my first post.

I am 33 and a mum of 3. Out of my 3 babies I have only have 2 in my arms.

I have a 4.5yr old son Aiden, my angel Milo who should be 2 but he will forever be just under 5 months and my new baby girl Lilith who is 13 weeks old.

I plan to use this blog to document my bright days and my dark ones.