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Mother’s Day when one of your children are gone.

Today mothers, all over the country will be waking up to cards handmade by their offspring, wrapped gifts, lukewarm tea and if they are especially lucky, breakfast in bed. They’ll be surrounded by grinning faces and have one of their own. Mother’s Day should be all happiness and light but unfortunately not every mother has that.

Angel mummies with living children may also be doing the above but they will always have a tinge of sadness in their eyes and in their heart. While they try and show happiness they are hurting. They are happy that they have some smiling children surrounding them but there is one missing and that is all the more obvious on this Sunday. 

The pain of having a missing child on Mother’s Day is only matched by the pain of your mum being missing. Both ways are difficult. It is a day to celebrate being/having a mum. 

Angel mummies may spend some of their special day visiting their angel’s resting place. I know I will be. It will be nice to spend some quiet time tidying and sorting my Milo’s grave. I have bought him some new solar lights so he isn’t in the dark. I also have a new train for him too. 



World Book Day 

Today is #worldbookday, well in some places anyways. 

My living children dressed as the red crayon from “the day the crayons quit” and a bumblebee. The Bee costume was last year’s Halloween costume but the crayon costume took me a few hours to make.

Making the costume felt like I should have taken my home economics gcse rather than design and realisation. Trying to draw and cut straight lines on a t-shirt was a nightmare. It kept moving and curling or the chalk wouldn’t write properly. Getting the zig zags correct took both my husband and I.

I had to pin the previously mentioned zig zags to a polo shirt. The first ones of the pattern was easy to attach but trying to make sure the second halves were the correct distance from the first one all the way along was awful. I had to pin and re-pin them multiple times before it was happy. 

I tried a couple of different ways of stitching them on. The first zig zag was put on using big running stitch but the rest were small stitches and surprisingly the small stitches took less time. 

Once the zig zags were on I had to add the lettering. I was going to cut them from the same material but by this time it was getting close to 1am and I didn’t have the oomph anymore. I just used some precut foam sticky backed letters. The hat part was just a curled card cone. 

I think my eldest looked great and it didn’t cost a lot to create what he wanted to be, even though he didn’t decide until 2 days ago. 

Once we got to school there was an awful lot of superheroes and princesses. I get that these are costumes that most kids have and it means that parents haven’t got to out and spend more hard earned money on something the child might only wear once but, it just doesn’t sit right with me. A lot of these costumes aren’t derived from books and the point of World Book Day is to garner and love of reading not movies/TV shows. I also spotted a lot of the parents looking down their noses at the homemade costumes. One mum I wanted to smack the look right off her face. A child was wearing a decorated box (not sure what it was as only saw the back) and he was so proud of it that he was saying “look” to any parent he passed and she just looked at him like it was a pile of poop. 

Day to meet the girls aftermath

The meet when fantastically well.

I can honestly say I liked everyone who came and I think they liked me.

We ate, drank and were merry.

In the end I think there was about 20 of us over the course of the daytime/evening as not everyone could stay all day or make it until late. We took over a small area in the pub and kept adding more chairs and tables as more people arrived.

Those of us who stayed late did some serious drinking. I myself had 3 giant pitchers of woo woo. I felt very fuzzy as time went on but it was lovely. I was also drinking it straight from the pitcher with a straw. I decided that I wasn’t sharing so it didn’t matter. One of the other ladies was also drinking pitchers and seeing me drink them the way I did gave her the confidence to do it too (she wanted to but wasn’t sure if it was considered uncouth, I didn’t give a monkeys).

We spoke about many wild and wonderful things. I managed to speak about my Milo without getting upset. One of my birth group was also there and she said she could see and feel a difference in me while I was talking about him. There were no moments of having to take a moment and no tears. She has been with me since I was pregnant with him and so I guess time does make a difference to this journey.

Once some people decided it was time to go to bed the rest of us headed out for karaoke. If was a long walk in the wrong direction but hey ho. I hoped it would have been lots of fun but I found the place a bit overfilled with people and no where to sit down. You could barely reach the bar for a drink. That type of place is my least favourite. I managed to escape to a quieter area and I found a seat too. I didn’t stay out too much longer as some of the others were leaving then too so we all caught a cab back to the hotel.

There have been some ‘lovely’ photographs taken but unfortunately I am unable to share them as I haven’t been given permission. You can tell as we lot more and more drunk. The poses became more confident and weirder. The hairstyles also started to go awry. Luckily I didn’t make a huge effort with my hair and make up so I could faff as much as I liked.

I am really looking forward to the next time that we get together. For a bunch of women from multiple backgrounds and countries we got on fabulously. Meeting them has also made me feel closer to them and more involved in the group.

Day to meet the girls.

Today is the day.

This is the first time I will be meeting a bunch of ladies who have supported me through both the loss of my Milo and raising my living children.

These ladies are not a loss group. They are just normal people who didn’t see me as weird for thinking about my son and were lovely when I wanted to share his photos.

We didn’t start out as friends. The group was created to debate different subjects and to express our opinions on anything and everything. We slowly got to know each other and friendships developed. Some are stronger than others but the whole group rallies if something goes wrong in someone’s life. We have helped people through child loss, house fires, illness (both physical and mental), divorce and death of relatives/friends. There is always someone online if you need a chat, no matter what time of day or night.

The group tries to meet about every 6 months but I have yet to go. I either have been unavailable to go due to prior plans, money or distance or not felt strong enough to go.

The plan for today is to eat, drink and be merry. We have booked many rooms in the same hotel. We have asked for the same floor but I doubt that will happen.

I am very nervous to meet these ladies. They have been my rock for a long time and I don’t want to ruin that by making a fool of myself. Luckily I have some members from another group who I have met are coming so there will be some friendly faces.


Half term finished 

Here half term has been and gone. Today was the first day back and it was just as stressful as ever. Things were sorted the night before but still it was a giant rush to get out the door and we were nearly late due to a slow walking school kid and a fall from a kerb  (school kid not me). Anyway I digress, how was your half term? Ours was pretty family orientated. Daddy was on annual leave so I had an extra pair of hands.

The week started with a birthday. Little miss turned 3. The following two days were put aside to celebrating her birthday and seeing family.

One of the days the big kid and I went to hell on earth, the local soft play centre. It was loud and rammed. Luckily my friends got there first so we didn’t have to wait for a table like so many other patrons did. We mums could barely speak because of the noise. We were yelling over both the kids and the crappy music (what is the point on busy days? It just ramps up the volume). The last hour there was the best as other people started leaving so it got quiet and cooler. The kids also seemed to have more fun. 

We planned to visit the roald dahl museum later in the week but looking on line about it we decided that it would be great for little kid so we didn’t go. 

Big kid had his first ever trip to the cinema to watch Lego Batman. He loved it. Apparently the best part was the popcorn and when the lights went down. I was concerned that he might struggle with the volume but apart from a couple of hands over the ears moments he was good. Little kid didn’t like the fact that I was leaving her with her daddy again but I had to.

I also experienced the cinema by myself for the first time. I really wanted to watch a certain film but none of my friends were interested in watching it or had the available funds. It felt a bit weird initially but I really enjoyed it. Not having to share my popcorn or have someone whispering in my ear was great. 

Other days were spent chilling in the house or visiting the local park (local as in directly next to the house). Both kids played/watched someone play minecraft a lot but it’s half term and it meant we got some peace. We also had some family board game time. Big kid loves monopoly but little kid needed to be sleeping to play as she just doesn’t get it. 

Birthday’s been and gone

My small brood have now all had their birthdays. From the start of January to mid February it is just birthday planning, shopping for things they didn’t get for Christmas and searching for the perfect ornament for my Milo.

Luckily only the big one had a party this year. He and a few friends came bowling with us. They loved it and the birthday boy won which was great and in no way set up.

Milo’s birthday was harder to celebrate. How can you be happy/have a party when the guest of honour is missing? My living children made and decorated a cake for him. This is something we have never done before and I am not sure we will be doing it again. It felt too weird even though the other kids loved it ( and it tasted fantastic).

The littlest’s special day has just been and I feel like I didn’t do enough for her. She enjoyed her day I think, as her daddy was home too but there was nothing out of the ordinary. We went out to a local cafe for lunch and then had a small play in the falling snow. She liked seeing the family and opening her presents which I guess is great for a 3 year old. I was hoping to take her out to a local safari park but it wouldn’t have been enjoyable as it was so cold and snowy.

Next year I must do better. I think I will book another joint party like last year as that seemed to go down really well and was easy to organise.

Maybe we will have to visit the safari park on my Milo’s anniversary.

Happy Birthday My Milo

Today is your 5th birthday. You should be opening presents this morning and being too excited to get ready for school. You should be wanting to skip to school with your big brother while telling everyone you meet that today is your birthday. Your classmates and teacher would wish you happy birthday as you enter the school for the first time as a 5 year old.

I should be coming home to confirm the plans and finish making the food for your party and making sure the games are ready. I should be packing the party bags with the little plastic tat that you would have chosen a few weeks ago.

After school you and your friends would have wanted to call at the park on the way home and I would have let you so you weren’t as loud in the house. Once we got home I would have sorted out a snack and then the little heard of elephants would have charged up the stairs for you to show them all your new toys. You would have loved all the little games we and your friends would have played. The picnic buffet would have gone down well and your giant smile would have never left your face. Your eyes would have lit up as your dad entered the darkened living room with a special cake decorated in a way you chose and lit with many candles. You blowing them out would be a great photo. Would you have managed to do it in one breath? Getting you into bed would have been difficult as you wouldn’t have wanted your special day to end.

Sadly all the above is only how I dream your 5th birthday would be but you are not here to enjoy it with us. We will be visiting your grave with a few small unwrapped gifts to place on your headstone. We have a balloon for you too like we got for your brother on his birthday and will have for your sister on her birthday. We will spend some time with you and then come the evening your grandparents will set off a few fireworks for you.

I so wish you were here to celebrate but I know that will never happen. Today should be such a special day but it is just another really hard day in my journey of my life with a Milo shaped hole.