Loss parents do lots and lots of watching, waiting and wondering. They watch their living children grow up with a missing sibling. They wait for the inevitable questions from everyone. They wonder why them. They watch the years pass from when they last held their child, they wait for the time to come when they can be together again and wonder why them.
I watch my sunshine and rainbow babies (sunshine is a before loss baby and a rainbow is after loss) grow and develop their own personality. I watch them play and wish that there was three of them playing instead of just the two.
I wait for the pain to release it’s hold on me. I know this will never happen but the hope keeps me going. I wait for the day that my children ask more questions about their brother.
I constantly wonder about my Milo. I wonder, if he had had surgery, would he have lived longer. I wonder if he was in pain but didn’t realise it as he had been in pain constantly since birth. I wonder how life would have been if he had come home. I wonder about who he would have been. Would he been able to talk or walk with a lot of help. Would he have had a laid back personality like his dad or more fiery like me? Would he have developed to a point where he would have been able to start school and make friends?