All loss parents have days where they just can’t do this journey or they need help to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some days all it takes is one kind word from a friend. Other days it requires alcohol and comfort food.
This journey is a road that has many twists and turns and some days it seems like all you do is go backwards, towards the pain and darkness but keep going on and you will start going in the right direction again. I am loathe to say moving on as how can you move on from your child, but you do move forward and you can’t stay in the bad places permanently. It isn’t healthy to dwell too much on your loss and forget that there are other people who need you.
My eldest kept me going in my darkest days. Hearing him ask his dad “why do I have to see mummy in the bedroom, all the time” made me leave my bed, if only for periods of time he was here and awake. Having him there made me realise that I had to keep going. Yes, I had lost my son but I had another one who also needed me whole and with it. I can honestly say I have no idea where I would be right now if Milo had been my first born.
Now both my Living children keep me going. They seem to know when I am having a down day and I get many more hugs, kisses and being told I love you on those days. I have to keep going for both of them, and for my Milo. I know he wouldn’t want the sadness to take me over. Some days the will to keep going is very weak and I just want to visit my Milo and curl up next to his grave and stay there but thankfully those days are getting fewer and further between now.