Now this might seem like an odd topic for a loss blog and you would be right. How can you be happy when you have experienced the worst thing in the world to happen to a parent?
It takes time to find happiness again in the world. Everything is tinged with the sadness or hate. No matter where you are or what you do you just can’t find the joy again or you feel like you shouldn’t be smiling after the death of your child. People might think you don’t care about your loss if they see you enjoying life again. It is such a thin line to walk. Wanting to grieve for your child but also smile at things like weddings or comedies on the television. The happiness will come back, it sneaks in when you least expect it.
I had to start to find happiness after I lost my Milo or I would have lost my mind. Granted I came very close to that anyway. My eldest was my saviour in finding the light again. I couldn’t be sad all time around him, it wouldn’t have been fair to him. He could tell that I wasn’t myself and so he would try to make me smile. I remember seeing him trying to learn how to do forward rolls and really not getting it but the grin he would give me after he had tried just had to be returned.
Now both of my living children know when the hard days are coming and I see a change in their behaviour. I definitely get more cuddles in the run up to special days and they both try to make me happy. They do make me happy even without them trying. Of course I would be happier if I had their brother with me but you have to take the joy where you can find it.