This is something all loss parents do whether they want to/realise it or not. Losing a child changes you and you cannot help but grow and gain. Some loss parents are resistant to this and wish everything could go back to the way it was but sadly, that it is an impossibility.
You learn to dance in the rain and how to show a face that people want to see. You grow into the new you that appears once the darkness recedes. You learn just how much pain a person can live with and remain standing. You learn how people do not want to be around the loss parent in case it is catching or because you might steal their baby. They don’t realise you want only your own child, not theirs. You gain insight into something that is unwanted but unchangeable and hopefully try to put this new insight to good use.
You will also see your friendship circle change and grow as some will disappear and you will crave the companionship of people who understand what you are going through. I now have many new friends who are also on the same journey as I am. These are people who are all around the world who I would never had come into contact with if my Milo hadn’t passed away. We have an understanding of each other and if we disappear for a while they know why and when we return our absence is never questioned.