Today is your 5th birthday. You should be opening presents this morning and being too excited to get ready for school. You should be wanting to skip to school with your big brother while telling everyone you meet that today is your birthday. Your classmates and teacher would wish you happy birthday as you enter the school for the first time as a 5 year old.
I should be coming home to confirm the plans and finish making the food for your party and making sure the games are ready. I should be packing the party bags with the little plastic tat that you would have chosen a few weeks ago.
After school you and your friends would have wanted to call at the park on the way home and I would have let you so you weren’t as loud in the house. Once we got home I would have sorted out a snack and then the little heard of elephants would have charged up the stairs for you to show them all your new toys. You would have loved all the little games we and your friends would have played. The picnic buffet would have gone down well and your giant smile would have never left your face. Your eyes would have lit up as your dad entered the darkened living room with a special cake decorated in a way you chose and lit with many candles. You blowing them out would be a great photo. Would you have managed to do it in one breath? Getting you into bed would have been difficult as you wouldn’t have wanted your special day to end.
Sadly all the above is only how I dream your 5th birthday would be but you are not here to enjoy it with us. We will be visiting your grave with a few small unwrapped gifts to place on your headstone. We have a balloon for you too like we got for your brother on his birthday and will have for your sister on her birthday. We will spend some time with you and then come the evening your grandparents will set off a few fireworks for you.
I so wish you were here to celebrate but I know that will never happen. Today should be such a special day but it is just another really hard day in my journey of my life with a Milo shaped hole.