Today is the day.
This is the first time I will be meeting a bunch of ladies who have supported me through both the loss of my Milo and raising my living children.
These ladies are not a loss group. They are just normal people who didn’t see me as weird for thinking about my son and were lovely when I wanted to share his photos.
We didn’t start out as friends. The group was created to debate different subjects and to express our opinions on anything and everything. We slowly got to know each other and friendships developed. Some are stronger than others but the whole group rallies if something goes wrong in someone’s life. We have helped people through child loss, house fires, illness (both physical and mental), divorce and death of relatives/friends. There is always someone online if you need a chat, no matter what time of day or night.
The group tries to meet about every 6 months but I have yet to go. I either have been unavailable to go due to prior plans, money or distance or not felt strong enough to go.
The plan for today is to eat, drink and be merry. We have booked many rooms in the same hotel. We have asked for the same floor but I doubt that will happen.
I am very nervous to meet these ladies. They have been my rock for a long time and I don’t want to ruin that by making a fool of myself. Luckily I have some members from another group who I have met are coming so there will be some friendly faces.
Here half term has been and gone. Today was the first day back and it was just as stressful as ever. Things were sorted the night before but still it was a giant rush to get out the door and we were nearly late due to a slow walking school kid and a fall from a kerb (school kid not me). Anyway I digress, how was your half term? Ours was pretty family orientated. Daddy was on annual leave so I had an extra pair of hands.
The week started with a birthday. Little miss turned 3. The following two days were put aside to celebrating her birthday and seeing family.
One of the days the big kid and I went to hell on earth, the local soft play centre. It was loud and rammed. Luckily my friends got there first so we didn’t have to wait for a table like so many other patrons did. We mums could barely speak because of the noise. We were yelling over both the kids and the crappy music (what is the point on busy days? It just ramps up the volume). The last hour there was the best as other people started leaving so it got quiet and cooler. The kids also seemed to have more fun.
We planned to visit the roald dahl museum later in the week but looking on line about it we decided that it would be great for little kid so we didn’t go.
Big kid had his first ever trip to the cinema to watch Lego Batman. He loved it. Apparently the best part was the popcorn and when the lights went down. I was concerned that he might struggle with the volume but apart from a couple of hands over the ears moments he was good. Little kid didn’t like the fact that I was leaving her with her daddy again but I had to.
I also experienced the cinema by myself for the first time. I really wanted to watch a certain film but none of my friends were interested in watching it or had the available funds. It felt a bit weird initially but I really enjoyed it. Not having to share my popcorn or have someone whispering in my ear was great.
Other days were spent chilling in the house or visiting the local park (local as in directly next to the house). Both kids played/watched someone play minecraft a lot but it’s half term and it meant we got some peace. We also had some family board game time. Big kid loves monopoly but little kid needed to be sleeping to play as she just doesn’t get it.
My small brood have now all had their birthdays. From the start of January to mid February it is just birthday planning, shopping for things they didn’t get for Christmas and searching for the perfect ornament for my Milo.
Luckily only the big one had a party this year. He and a few friends came bowling with us. They loved it and the birthday boy won which was great and in no way set up.
Milo’s birthday was harder to celebrate. How can you be happy/have a party when the guest of honour is missing? My living children made and decorated a cake for him. This is something we have never done before and I am not sure we will be doing it again. It felt too weird even though the other kids loved it ( and it tasted fantastic).
The littlest’s special day has just been and I feel like I didn’t do enough for her. She enjoyed her day I think, as her daddy was home too but there was nothing out of the ordinary. We went out to a local cafe for lunch and then had a small play in the falling snow. She liked seeing the family and opening her presents which I guess is great for a 3 year old. I was hoping to take her out to a local safari park but it wouldn’t have been enjoyable as it was so cold and snowy.
Next year I must do better. I think I will book another joint party like last year as that seemed to go down really well and was easy to organise.
Maybe we will have to visit the safari park on my Milo’s anniversary.
Today is your 5th birthday. You should be opening presents this morning and being too excited to get ready for school. You should be wanting to skip to school with your big brother while telling everyone you meet that today is your birthday. Your classmates and teacher would wish you happy birthday as you enter the school for the first time as a 5 year old.
I should be coming home to confirm the plans and finish making the food for your party and making sure the games are ready. I should be packing the party bags with the little plastic tat that you would have chosen a few weeks ago.
After school you and your friends would have wanted to call at the park on the way home and I would have let you so you weren’t as loud in the house. Once we got home I would have sorted out a snack and then the little heard of elephants would have charged up the stairs for you to show them all your new toys. You would have loved all the little games we and your friends would have played. The picnic buffet would have gone down well and your giant smile would have never left your face. Your eyes would have lit up as your dad entered the darkened living room with a special cake decorated in a way you chose and lit with many candles. You blowing them out would be a great photo. Would you have managed to do it in one breath? Getting you into bed would have been difficult as you wouldn’t have wanted your special day to end.
Sadly all the above is only how I dream your 5th birthday would be but you are not here to enjoy it with us. We will be visiting your grave with a few small unwrapped gifts to place on your headstone. We have a balloon for you too like we got for your brother on his birthday and will have for your sister on her birthday. We will spend some time with you and then come the evening your grandparents will set off a few fireworks for you.
I so wish you were here to celebrate but I know that will never happen. Today should be such a special day but it is just another really hard day in my journey of my life with a Milo shaped hole.