Almost birthday time again

In a week my Milo should be turning 5 (how the hell has it got to 5 years already). This is another birthday where he is not with us to celebrate.

My living children want to bake him a cake and have a tea party for him but I am not sure I am able to. It just feels weird to do that when the guest of honour will never be able to join us.

I would be happy to spend the day hiding from the world in my bed and just think of him but unfortunately that will not happen. My husband is taking the day off of work so we can go and spend some time at our son’s graveside in the daylight hours. We won’t be able to spend as much as time as we want as we will have our almost 3 year old with us and it isn’t fair to her to make her sit in the pushchair in the cold while we weep for our son who is not here.

I have bought him some new glow in the dark trains so hopefully they will light him up for a little while. I also want to find a new ornament but that it proving to be tricky. Everything I look at is either too big, has the wrong words or won’t get here in time. I should have planned better but this year has snuck up on me.

I wish that I could be spending my money on special toys and clothes and finding something special that my 5 year old would love to do with his big brother and maybe some friends from school.

I miss him so much but the pain doesn’t get any lighter you just get used to the weight.

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