Capture your grief – Day 25 – I am

Today’s task is to finish the below sentences

I wish I could have brought my Milo home. I would have jumped every hurdle and dodged every obstacle to just have had him in my arms for longer.

I remember taking him on a walk around the hospital. We loaded up the pushchair with his SATS monitor and O2 tank. We wrapped the tank in blankets so he wasn’t cold laid next to it. People peeked into the buggy as we walked around and cooed at him. I felt like a real mum to him. We also got some photos of him outside the ward. Unfortunately we couldn’t take him outside as it was heaving but he got to see the sky through the big windows.

I could not believe when the doctor told us his condition was ‘incompatible with life’. Granted my Milo was on the ventilator at the time but it was the first time we knew for sure we wouldn’t get to keep him. He was 11 weeks old. I just wanted to grab my son and run. The doctor was wrong. Milo was big, strong and a fighter. Sadly the doctor wasn’t wrong and it was only 10 short weeks later that he called us saying get to the hospital now. The doc was a lovely man. He cared for my Milo on his last day and he also came back once Milo was gone even though he was off shift.

If only love was enough to save my Milo. He would have lived forever. He was so loved by all who met him. One of the nursing staff really fell for him. She would ask to be his nurse whenever she worked in his ward. I would call most days to check how my Milo was and she would usually be holding him or sat with him if he couldn’t be held that day. She came to his funeral and seeing her there pushed me over the edge. For her to come all that way just showed me how much she cared.

I am a mother, 3 children in my heart but 2 in my arms. I am the 1 in 4. I am forever missing a part of my heart. No matter how old I get, it will always be missing.



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