Today has many question but few easy answers.
Who was I before I lost my Milo?
I was a fun loving mum of one who was completely free of shadow and fear. The death of my child never entered my mind. I allowed Aiden freedom to do what he wanted and we played many games.
Who am I now?
I am now a mother of 3 who thinks every cough/sneeze means something bad. I can barely cope if my daughter is out of my sight (I try to hide this). I am prone to sudden onset of tears. I have a very good facade.
What am I feeling right now?
I feel scared to open my heart in case I am judged. I feel like grabbing my sleeping children from their beds and just holding them forever more.
Have I irrevocably changed since losing my Milo?
Of course I have. There is no way I could have gone through something a parent never should unscathed. It has left lasting marks on my heart and body.
How different am I now?
I take a lot more photos of my children now. I find I am usually behind the camera rather than joining in. My moods are much more volatile now. It doesn’t take much to set me off.
Do I love anything about the new me?
I’m not sure I do. Some days I look in the mirror and I don’t recognise the person looking back.
Do I want any of the old me back?
I want the naivety back. Whenever someone posts a positive test saying they are having a baby or talk about the patter of tiny feet in a year I want to scream. Just because you are pregnant now doesn’t mean you automatically get a baby to keep.
Who am I becoming?
I hope I am becoming a better mum to my living children. I want to be able to smile a real smile at the thought of my Milo rather than the fake one I do now.